Here's Why You Keep Attracting Unavailable Men
If you keep attracting unavailable men…men who are emotionally unavailable, long distance or hung up on another woman - here’s what you need to know.
First of all - unavailable men come in many forms.
Emotionally unavailable men are the type of man who wont understand you when you’re expressing how you feel. And they certainly don't understand the way they feel themselves. They’re likely to dismiss you when you try to bring up anything that has to do with your emotional life.
Long distance men - perhaps you think this is different. But if it’s just wonderful words of love & praise, and no action...unless you have a clear plan with set dates, where the man is taking the lead in how you’ll finally be together - this is just another form of unavailable love.
Men who are already with another woman. This could look like already in a relationship, hung up on an ex, in love with someone secretly. It could also look like being in the middle of divorce, and unable to finish it up and move on.
And now you wonder why this keeps happening to you...why are you attracting these unavailable men, when you know that you want a real relationship?
The biggest problem here is that you believe that there’s so much love here, that it’s worth waiting for.
You feel all this love for him, and you’re living in the hope that he feels the same.
In some ways this is very romantic. This is the kind of love many novels describe, the unavailable toxic hero, and the naive beautiful soft girl: Jane Eyre, Rebecca, 50 shades of Gray…
And I want you to know there’s nothing wrong here. Your love IS strong, I know you love him a lot, and he likely loves you too in his own way.
He probably got some really good qualities in him. He’s got some assets forcing you to love him and feel attached to him.
These good feelings and qualities are so strong that you ignore the fact that he is unavailable….
And when you ignore this, what’s happening is that the Universe or God will keep sending you the exact same type of lesson…the same type of man ... .until the day you finally get it.
It’s not until we change something in the way we behave, that we can invite something different.
As soon as we do - the men coming into our lives will improve.
Maybe you’ve had the same kind of experience now with unavailable men for years…
A new man entering your life, and in the beginning you feel excited and thrilled, filled with hope that this time it’ll be different.
This time the man is going to come and get us, give us the love we deserve. He’ll finally open up, relocate or divorce.
But when that doesn't happen and time just goes on again, you'll find yourself frustrated.
Perhaps you feel all this love again…and yet, if you get really still with yourself, you’ll find that this is a very painful place to be in, despite all the love you feel.
Wanting something from someone who’s unable to give you what you need in terms of love, connection & safety…
It's a place where you easily lose your self esteem and confidence.
Because the feeling of not being chosen can really do some big damage to us!
It's like we're not enough, we're not worthy.
And often enough this boils back down to the relationship we had with our caregivers and especially with our fathers.
If your dad abandoned you when you were little or if he was emotionally unavailable or if he was more interested in one of your siblings than you - then chances are big that you will look for a man where you can repeat this pattern.
The reason WHY we do this, boils down to 2 things.
Firstly, we do it because we believe that this is what love should feel like.
I know it sounds weird that we’re maybe believing that love should feel like being abandoned or being neglected, or being second in someone else's life.
Yet this is what happens subconsciously. Even if we say that we want a real relationship, with someone whos able to commit & pursue us, and take it to forever, we keep discarding those men,
We say things like “there is no chemistry”, “all these men are so boring”, “I will never find someone as good as X”.
When you hear that voice, that's your clue to be aware that this is something from the past. This is a voice, a belief and a pattern from the past.
The second reason why we keep engaging in this same old patter, is that we so badly crave the experience of changing the pattern. Its like we think we can rewrite our past if we can just make this one man who is now unavailable to come and be with us.
If only we can change him into committing & being with us, if only we can get him to demonstrate his love for us by changing or sacrificing - then we will feel worthy, enough and loved again.
But the problem is that it doesn't work this way.
The only way for you to rewrite your story and change the way you experience love is to do something different and become Confidently Feminine within YOURSELF:
Learning to RECEIVE love and be confident that you WILL receive love.
Becoming Confidently Feminine, is usually just one bold step:
It's about setting boundaries for YOURSELF.
Not for HIM. For YOU.
This includes saying NO to the things that you don't want in your life, and instead saying yes to the things that you DO want in your life!
This includes saying NO to this man if he can’t give you the relationship you want.
(In my Love Transformation program I’ll teach you exactly how to do this so that it doesn’t feel so scary and in a way that will inspire him to step up and claim you - IF he’s at all able. A way that makes him realise he’ll LOSE you if he doesn’t step up)
It also includes stopping our knee jerk reactions and perhaps most of all:
if you're one of these “abandonment babies” like I was - you have to learn to receive love.
You have to relearn what real love looks like.
YOu have to learn that love doesn’t look like taking the crumbs from a man who’s not available.
You have to learn that love is not the scarcity or painful abusive type of love that you may have been experiencing up til now…
Instead, you’ll have to learn that real love is the type of love that comes from genuine care and a willingness to understand you.
A love that is reciprocated.
Instead of pining for a man who’s unavailable, you’ll have to learn how to receive a man who is genuinely interested in you and ready to build a life and commitment with you.
Someone who is not just there to take something from you.
The unavailable men you’ve been with until now, they always always want something from you - but they're not willing to give to you.
This was the hardest lesson ever for me to learn…I honestly thought they were giving me love. It felt like love! Only - it wasn’t.
What I wish for you instead is a man who's honest, generous and open.
Someone who's got a purpose in this world and who's wanting a woman by his side to help him live his purpose so that he can provide for you and protect you.
Someone who's seeking partnership & who’s seeking security over the thrill.
Someone who is trustable & safe.
To find these men, you will have to be open to receive.
You will have to open yourself up to receive the good stuff from a man and that's where your feminine energy comes in, because feminine energy is the still, open, vulnerable energy of receiving.
You can't receive anything from a man if you're all up in your head thinking, doing, talking, taking action all the time.’
That's all masculine energy and this type of energy is just going out from you.
It’s a giving energy. it's transmitting out from you and going towards him instead of vice versa.
And the stronger this energy is from you, the less he will feel inspired to give to you and the less he will be able to give to you because your masculine energy is stronger than his.
So in order to start rewriting your story and start receiving a good man and change the pattern of unavailable men, you have to open yourself up to receive from someone who is actually a masculine energy giver.
Someone who knows how to give love to a woman.
You keep attracting unavailable men until the day you say “no this is not what I want”.
And you may be surprised what can happen. That unavailable man may turn around and claim you.
And if he doesn’t - a new and better man will be out there waiting for you.
You stop saying yes to someone who’s not available.
No matter how charming he is or how gorgeous he is or how kind he is.
No matter how masculine and no matter how much he promises you that he loves you and that he will commit to you one day - you say no to what you don’t want, and you open yourself up to new men.
And if a new unavailable man shows up on your radar - you just decide that you won't even go there.
You won't even have a conversation for just one minute with a new man who’s unavailable in any sense.
As soon as you see that he's unavailable in one form of another- you just say no.
That is setting a clear boundary and when you start doing that the universe will send you a new type of man.
And this way when you start saying no to the things that you actually don't want like not engaging in conversation with men who are unavailable and instead you set a boundary for yourself, you’ll slowly become Confidently Feminine and able to receive real, true love & romance.
You’ll stop the painful cycles for good and go into your Confidently Feminine era where you learn how to step into your feminine energy, feel your way through to what actually feels good.
This way you learn to detach and rewire your whole nervous system & become the woman who can have any man she likes.